Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I lost the right to judge tonight
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
