Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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