Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
where are you?
Hypothermia
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
