I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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