Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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