y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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