and i looked up. we had an audience...
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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