It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
