Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
