I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Randomize
