theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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