I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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