Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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