...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Panties = found
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