TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
