I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
