I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
