I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Randomize
