I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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