Taylor Swift is so right about you.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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