i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
