I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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