I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
