the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
