my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
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