why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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