Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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