I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
