he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
