U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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