My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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