I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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