As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
