He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
