My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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