I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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