I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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