I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
