put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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