we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
