I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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