sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
