Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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