I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
