as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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