turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
