She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
