Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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