Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
