Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
